Ch-eggars Ahoy!!!

Anyone who has strutted down any busy high street, whether it be in London or Leeds, Dundee or Doncaster, will be reasonably familiar with the workings of the charity beggar. They're easily identified by their (often brightly coloured) t-shirt, inappropriate banter and forlorn face.

Now before I go on to angrily tap at the keys of my lap top and write what, effectively, is a 'how to avoid a ch-eggar in three simple steps' survival guide, I should add that this is not a slur on charity work in general. I think that people do amazing things in the name of charridy and I respect that a great deal. I just think that there are better ways to do good than giving your bank details to a man or woman holding a clip board in one hand, pen in the other and only thoughts of what he or she will do with the commission in his or her head. Regardless of how much it temporarily massages your otherwise clear conscience.

Gone are the days when you could just say 'sorry but i'm busy'. Come out with that particular put off and the determined ch-eggar will have your copy of the direct debit agreement in your hand sooner than you can say 'but i'm skint'.

So here it is, a little guide to help you when next accosted, as you inevitably will be, by a ch-eggar.

1. The Shimmy - Always keep an eye at least 20 meters ahead of you. That way you're alerted to what is lurking in the viscinity. When the ch-eggar approaches, do a bootscooting stylee grapevine (knew line dancing classes would come in handy at some point) to avoid falling into the path of the ch-eggar.
2. The Look - my personal favourite - When approached by a ch-eggar, look him or her straight in the eye. Do not succumb to the desperation in their eyes. Do not feel bad that they'll probably have to work a little bit harder to make some pennies for their gap year. Look them straight in the eye with a look that screams, 'approach me and i'll explode. Thought Gordy was bad when Sue put him in front of Gillian of Rochdale and it spoilt his day? He hasn't got a patch on me'. If you're a nice person, this will feel a little alien at first. So make up for it by doing your bit. Do the race for life. Take a bag of unwanted clothes to Oxfam. But, whatever you do, do not allow the look to slip until you're well clear of ch-eggar territory.
3. The Excuse - Simply jog up and down on the spot for approximately 3 to 5 seconds and say 'sorry mate, ate something dodge about ten minutes ago, do you know where the nearest public toilets are?'.

So there you have it. It's pretty simple. I invite you all to try these techniques. If in doubt, go about your day to day life in and around any city centre sporting, 'the look' and shoehorn any particular eventuality into it.

Good luck!